Pipe Club of Norfolk

The TBC Diet

The TBC (Tobacco, Beer and Coffee) Diet... a solution to the obesity epidemic!

Smokers in general tend to be thinner than non-smokers and this is believed to be because nicotine acts as an appetite suppressant and increases the metabolic rate.

Here is my idea for a diet based on tobacco, beer and coffee:

1. Smoke as much tobacco as you like. The tobacco may be pipe tobacco or cigars. Snuff may also be taken. The tobacco will help to suppress your appetite so smoke when you feel hungry. (A three gram pipe of tobacco costs about fifty pence which compares very favourably with the price of a snack.)

2. Drink as much beer as you want as this liquid bread will provide valuable nutrients. Cider may also be drunk for its useful fruit content.

3. Coffee, with sugar and milk to taste, is of course essential as it will help you wake up in the morning after your beer-drinking session of the previous night. Coffee will also help overcome the feeling of faintness due to lack of food.

4. Force yourself to eat. One meal two or three times a week should suffice. Eat as much as you want of anything you like but all of it must be consumed within thirty minutes. If you are not sure what to eat, follow these simple colour-coded guidelines:

a. anything black or brown is probably OK as long as you can eat it without breaking your teeth.

b. red, orange and yellow foods should be cooked until they turn black or brown.

c. something that was originally green is usually desirable. Something that has turned green may be risked.

d. Anything blue is to be avoided.

e. All white (white) foods are good for you!

5. Get as much exercise as possible. Put your ashtray/tobacco/matches etcetera at the other side of the room so you have to walk to get to them. Also, walk to the tobacconist/pub/off-licence/liquor store. This will save on travelling costs and also help protect the environment.

We now have a virtuous circle:

1. You are happy because you are leaner, fitter and drunk most of the time.

2. The government is happy because of all the tobacco and beer tax that you are paying.

3. Environmentalists are happy because of your reduced use of transport.

An ideal solution to so many problems! This diet works for me. I've been living like this for years and am as thin as a rake!

Nota Bene: This diet is not recommended for those who operate machinery.

Copyright ©2004 John "Lean, mean, smoking machine" Walker

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